What Does Self-Compassion Look Like in Motherhood?
Talking about self-compassion or being kind to yourself can become a quippy, easy phrase to throw at someone who’s juggling a lot or going through a hard time. It’s also something that I know and believe so many of us need as moms, but it’s hard to know what it really means or looks like.
So what is self-compassion actually, and what does it look like specifically in motherhood?
Kristin Neff is a psychologist and researcher at UT Austin who has done extensive research into self-compassion, what it is, and why it’s so hard for us.
She was the first person to actually give it a definition and begin measuring it. Her research has broken it down into three main parts: mindfulness, connection to broader humanity, and active kindness.
She notes that so much of our shame, guilt, and pain comes from denying or not naming what’s hard, isolating ourselves, or thinking we’re the only ones experiencing something. Self-compassion directly targets these things and invites us into a kinder way of relating to ourselves and the world.
Before I jump into what self-compassion actually looks like in motherhood, I want to name one of the most common things I hear when I present this to clients:
“If I’m nice to myself, isn’t that giving me a pass to be unkind or to slack off on my responsibilities?”
“But I want to change and grow and be a better mom/wife/friend/employee/etc. Doesn’t this give me permission to do the opposite?”
I hear these worries and, honestly, I relate to them! I typically say back to my clients the loving challenge of: How is being harder on yourself working? Is it making you more productive? A more patient mom? A more engaged friend? Or is it keeping you stuck in your same patterns, all while feeling bad about being stuck?
It can feel scary to begin to change a big way we relate to ourselves, but as I invite my clients to do, I invite you also to try out a different approach.
The first piece is mindfulness, or present-moment awareness of naming what’s hard. “This is a moment of suffering.” “This is really hard.” “This sucks.”
Whether it’s the first day of daycare drop-off, or you let your fuse blow around your kids and are holding the weight of mom guilt, or you’re overstimulated and the house is a mess, name that it’s hard.
Acknowledge that it’s not ideal, without any “buts” or “shoulds.” Our minds love to tell us others have it worse, or we should be handling things better, but that takes us out of the present moment. This is hard, period. Call it what it is.
The second piece is connection to humanity (or to moms across the world and across history).
Telling yourself you are not alone, you are not the first person to forget the school performance, you are not the only parent not creating a banner for the first day of school or for every holiday.
Other moms feel frustrated when their children come into their room at night; other moms love their kids and need a break; other moms hurt their kids’ feelings.
Shame says, “You are the only one who could mess up like this or not handle this.” Self-compassion says, “I’m not alone in this hard moment.”
Lastly, self-compassion involves a step of kindness toward ourselves.
Neff encourages us to even give ourselves a soothing touch with our hand on our chest or something similar, saying, “May I give myself what I need,” or “May I be kind/patient/loving to myself.”
Taking a moment to actually shift our mind to having a mindset of kindness with ourselves may be one of the most difficult parts of this, but it sets us up to better handle the moments where we will, inevitably, fail and fall short.
When we realize we’ve been scrolling while our child tries to talk to us, when we’re eating chicken nuggets for the third time this week, when we don’t handle the big conversation with our teen perfectly, may we be kind to ourselves as mothers.
We’re not only doing this for ourselves to move through the world with more patience and peace and with less guilt and shame, but we’re also modeling this for our children. We’re showing them that kindness to ourselves and kindness to others aren’t mutually exclusive. What a gift to give our children.
Resources:
Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff
Self-Compassion Break Exercise
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.